What good is a poet's soul if you don't have the vocabulary?

I Find that...

I find that I don’t sleep as well as I once did
There is hurt and sadness all around me
There is crying and fighting
Who can sleep with the yelling and restlessness pushing through your walls?

I find that I don’t eat as well as I once did
There is stress and pain inside me
There is gnawing and fatigue
Who can eat when the anxiety and discontent is pushing against your stomach?

I find that I don’t day dream as much as I once did
There is darkness and unrest in my head
There is despair and damage
Who can dream of happiness when there is so much ugliness pushing in your mind?

I find that I don’t cry as much as I once did
There is hope and honesty in your voice
There is friendship and opportunity
Who can cry when there is still a chance that the battle isn’t lost?

Lyrics (When you can't find the words use someone else's)

I haven't posted in a while and I think it is because I have had such a hard time figuring out just what I'm feeling. I don't really have the words even now, but I do have a song. I have a habit, as my best friend can tell you, of just sending lyrics as a message when I don't really have the words myself. Songs have a way of saying the things that I want to. I am so bad with words... and they are so good. So here is the thing, there are two of them. I have two songs that really seem to fit everything right now. The only problem? Well they are written by boys about girls and I am a girl thinking about a boy. Oh well, I will trust you to take it the way it should be taken. So here are the songs:

Come on Get Higher -Matt Nathanson

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the touch of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I could taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

So wrong, so all wrong,it's so right
So come on, get higher
come on, get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms

AND

I'd Rather Be With You -Joshua Radin

Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long S
o now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do

Stray cats

There are lots of stray cats that hang around campus at night. The last two nights I have passed the same cat wandering around. In a way that cat reminds me of myself. He is all alone in the world and all he can do is wander and try to avoid people. That is kind of the way I feel. I’m alone, and yet when people try to get close I run. Who knows if they are trying to help or chase me away? Not that it matters, I’m going to run anyway. The difference between that cat and me is that he is probably happy with life. He gets to be free and doesn’t have many cares. I bet that stray cat slept last night. Where as I, despite my pillows and blankets, couldn’t seem to settle myself enough to get much of anything that even resembled rest. Now don’t get my wrong, I’m not saying that my life it so bad. I have a place to live, a job, clothes, food, etc. I have all the things that I need to survive, but I guess my point is more whether my life is worth surviving. The beautiful thing about being a cat is that their cognitive development isn’t such that they can really process problems. They don’t have emotions or relationships to be ruined.

Some might argue that without the pain in life there couldn’t be the joy. Well right now I just want it all to go away. I don’t want to have to think and feel anymore. I just want to be. Maybe in the long run my life is a lot better than that stray cat’s, but right now am jealous of a small furry creature curled up in a bush somewhere near the Fletcher building.

I only think about you when it's raining or it's not

I lost my best friend of 3 years my Jr. Year of high school. She got a boyfriend and started acting really strange. Well that was when I met Jared. He saved my life. I had so many struggles that I wouldn’t have made it through without him. Instead of just helping me get through my problems he helped me be stronger. He taught me so much. He saved me at a time when I thought my world would fall apart because my best friend hated me. He filled that hole and became so much more to me than anyone else ever had.

Well now he is gone. I have lost my best friend once again. I have pushed another person to the limit and I don’t even know what it is that I do. So what now? Before there was a hole that needed to be filled, this hole can’t be. There is no hope of having someone else come and make everything all better. In everything that I see, hear, and think there is a memory of him. I can’t help but talk about him. He was my life for 3 years. (What is it with 3 years?) My life was planed around him. And now that is all gone. I still can’t help but slip into old daydreams of him.
The other day it rained and all I could think about was how he used to dance in the rain with me. What do I do? I have wonderful roommates that are helping me get through, but there is still that hole that can never be filled. And maybe that’s ok. I never want to forget the fun that we had and the learning and growing that I did. Maybe I will just have to carry this scar on my heart as a reminder of how wonderful things can be. And maybe, if I’m lucky, I will get to feel that again someday.

The mindless ramblings of a rainy day

There are some days when all you can do is think. Yet that thinking never seems to do any good or get you anywhere. Why is that? Why can't I just turn my mind off and walk around in the blissful emptiness of my life. This seems to happen more on rainy days. I start feeling poetic, and then I remember that I can't write poetry to save my life. I know most teachers will tell you that poetry is what you make it and there is no right or wrong way to do it, but believe me, my way is wrong and just plain ridiculous.

Where is a person supposed to turn when life seems to be getting the better of them? Their best friend right? Well what if one of the ways that the world is kicking your butt is by taking away that one precious person? What then? Do you just say, "OK you win. I give up"? But in life what does giving up mean? There is no way to stop (other then death, but that isn't an option). No matter how many times you roll over and go back to sleep, you will always wake up again. That is the cruelest trick of all. Life will keep on going no matter how many times you say "OK you win".

I know that my blog title is jumping in the puddles of life, but what do you do when the puddle you jumped in swallows you and you start to drown? What if all of the trying to make lemonade out of lemons fails and it turns out that the lemons were not only lemons, but they were rotten? And then you get sick off of your sad attempt to make things worth while. Getting sick off your own lemonade, how sad is that?

I had decided that all I could do was keep smiling and try to forget that there was a problem. Throwing the wool over my own eyes so that I couldn't see the rain. The only problem is that the rain starts seeping through the wool and I have to pile on more and more and more until I don't know where I'm going. The sad thing is that one day the clouds will part and the sun will come out, but I won’t know because of all that wool.

Most of you probably aren't getting my crazy metaphors, but that is just another sad trick of life. Leaving me with a giant hole in my heart and tummy (yes tummy).

OK, now I think I'm done being crazy and drowning in my own desperation and self pity. Lucky for me few will read this. I will just have to face the facts and keep going every day. What other choice do I have?

I would like to leave you with the lyrics to a beautiful song I'm listening to.

Joshua Radin One of Those Days Lyrics

Wait right here
Was all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home
And I've been left alone
It's carried him away

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The timings stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I don’t have to hide
The sight of you is painful

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can’t take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

I can't stop
Seeing your face
I can't stop
Seeing your face
Everyplace

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days (yeah)

New apartment and college plan

Well I thought that I would put some stuff on here about my apartment. When we first moved in we were all pretty worried because the pace was a real dump. I mean there was mold in the corners, a three-legged coffee table, and the people that lived here before us hadn't cleaned out the fridge before leaving... it was really lovely. But after some very hard work we got some things taken care of. So I thought I would share with you all (if anyone is even reading this) some pictures of the process and finished project.

This is us on our way to Ikea to get a few things to make it seem more like home.

And this is the floor while we were on our hands and knees scrubbing it! It was so gross!!!

And this is Becca and I sitting in our living room.

And this is the Kitchen!

In other news, I made my graduation plan for college today. I plan on graduating in April of 2011. It may be a little crazy at times but I think it is do-able. I have such a fun major!! I love all the classes that I'm going to get to take and I'm really excited!

I think that is all for now. Well see if I can keep this up...

My entrance into the blogging world

Well I guess this makes me a blogger! I thought it would be a kind of fun way for people to keep up on my life. Not that anyone other then my parents really want to do that, but if someone gets really bord... well you never really know what they my stoop to reading.

So that is really it for now. We will see if I add anything else anytime soon. I am new at this after all.