Who doesn't blog at 6am?

Well I woke up and I can't get back to sleep so I thought that I would write on my blog! I love that last time I wrote on here I said that I was going to be better at blogging and then I didn't write again for like 8 months. Oh well, no one reads my blog anyway, it is more just a place for me to write when I wake up at 5:20 and can't get back to sleep. So cool here we are.

I guess I should talk about my life now... I am now into my third year at BYU which is pretty cool, but don't worry I'm not any closer to graduating than I ever have been. I have a new brother in law and I love him! Rachel married Brandon in July and he is a wonderful contribution to our family. He is really good to me and helps me with my computer and stuff. Matt is also getting married. Staci will be my new sister in law as of this Saturday. It' kind of crazy that Matt's getting married. I mean who would have thought that he would settle down and that there would ever be a woman brave enough to try and tame him. Well if ever there was a girl for that job it's Staci. I'm excited that she is going to be in the family.

I have another new person in my life. Are you ready for this? I have a BOYFRIEND!! Who would have guessed that a boy would actually want to hang out with me? His name is Christian and he is absolutely the best boy in the world. He is so sweet and good to me. He's 6'3'' so that makes him almost a full foot taller than me. Yup. This means that in order for me to get a hug I have to stand on my tip toes and he has to squat down just a little (but he tries to hide that from me so that I don't feel too short). He also like to carry me around which I love!! He is really wonderful and I' so grateful that he came into my life (Cheesy? Yes. But I don't care!!)

Well I think that is really the update on me. Hope all is going well in everyone's lives. We'll see how long it takes me to get back on here again...

Gardetto's, afghans, and mean girls...

I have decided that I need to be better about blogging. I know that it seems silly to make a goal about blogging when I really should be making goal about practicing voice or something, but hey, I’m crazy and in college and I can do whatever I want. And I want this to be more than just a place where I come and vent when things are weird or just not going my way (which is what it has been up till now if you hadn’t noticed). I felt ok with being that way because Lizzy was the only one who ever read it. Well now I am having other friends find out about it and I think that my parents know now… so I have to be on my best behavior. ;)

So here is my story: I am sitting at work eating Gardetto’s and crocheting an afghan while watching movies online. (and yes it took me a long time to figure out how to spell crochet properly) Other than that my life is pretty uninteresting at this moment in time. I have spent part of my day talking to some girls who hurt my sister today at school (emotionally not physically) and that was lots of fun. I don’t like it when there are girls who will hurt their friends and then just don’t care! One of her friends felt really bad and the other was really mean about the whole thing. I know that I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved… but they were telling my little sister that she laughed too much!! I mean really!!! What does that mean? “We are having an intervention because you are just too happy.” I was kind of mad. So although I never seem to stand up for myself I had to stand up for my little sister who had been hurt by her friends (or for some of them “so called friends”). I wasn’t too mean I promise. Girls can just be so cruel sometimes!

Let’s take that and run with it: It is so strange how sometimes girls can be such witches and other times they are the most loving and wonderful people. I mean my mother is so wonderful and she is a girl. Then there are the girls at school that love making everyone around them feel small and insignificant. Isn’t the nature of women supposed to be loving and kind? We are supposed to be the compassionate and nurturing sex! What happened? Maybe it is just that the nice girls are quieter and so they don’t get noticed as much as the girls that are really mean. Or maybe they just aren’t as memorable. Whatever the reason girls are starting to get a bad name and I think that it needs to be fixed.

Well I am very sorry to anyone who actually read all of this pointlessness. Have a great day! (See I’m nice…)

Letting people in

Letting people in

Everyday we interact with any number of people. Everything from passing someone in the aisle at the grocery store to having to met with a teach about a paper you wrote. So why is it that after 20 years of interaction I still have trouble? I don’t know how to open myself up to someone new even when I want to. I want to make new friends and let them see who I really am. I have put on a mask for the world almost everyday, and now I don’t know how to take it off. I have noticed lately that I am one person outside my door and a completely different one in my apartment with the door closed. I am learning to be a better person who is more in control and yet I can’t seem to get to the point where I can let people see that. All they see is the quite reserved girl who can’t seem to keep up a conversation for more then 5 minutes or the one who is trying to hard to seem happy and normal that she just comes off as odd. I just want to be me and to feel comfortable and happy with that.

I am a very complicated person. I love to play but I also love to just sit and be quite. I love having time to just be. I love talking and not having to feel like there are things that I should talk about and things that I shouldn't. I don't like that there is a side of me that I'm scared for the world to see because I'm so sure that they will judge me for it. I have been so blessed with roommates who love me, take care of me, and except me for who I am. They have been so good to me but they won't be able to stay with me and take care of me forever.

Long story short, I have a lot of work to do.

Bite me. (I have wanted to say that for so long!)

I have decided that I just need to get out some aggressive energy and this is a pretty safe way to do that. So here goes (don't hate me):

I'm just so sick of people pretending to care. Why the heck would they do that?!?! I mean either you care or you don't, don't make it worse by pretending that you care about me just so that you can feel better about yourself at the end of the day. I don't want to be your good deed or your charity case. I can take care of myself. And believe me I'm great at feeling bad for myself, I don't need you to feel bad for me too. So, to all those people that make little comments that make it seems like they care and then turn around and forget all about me, please just leave me alone. I am starting to feel like the members of my family are the only people that really care. And that is fine. See I have people who REALLY care so I don't need your terrible acting to further interrupt my life further.

OK... I think that might have been a bit much... but on the up side I feel a lot better!

Sorry I'm crazy...

Dare to be happy and whole.

Being happy isn't something that just happens, it takes courage. It is so easy to sit back and say that life sucks. It is natural to find lots of things to bring you down and make you sad or upset. But to be happy takes work. You have to be brave enough to rise above the gloom and strong enough to carry others up with you. My dad has always said that I just need to chose to be happy. Well I don't know if I fully agree with him... but in a way he is right. If I don't make the effort to make my life a better place then why should I expect others to try and make me feel better? Everyone has problems and hard times. No one's life if easy. It takes a lot to decided to let yourself be whole. With every bad thing that happen a little piece of you gets chipped away. People go through things everyday and they can chose to be affected by it or not. What if you made the decision that those hard times weren't going to chip away at your happiness? What if I decided that I always want to be whole? It won't be easy. But I think that I'm strong enough to be happy. I always want to be the kind of person that is strong enough to keep the world from making me hard. I always want to be innocent, even though I know all the bad things out there and have even felt how much they can hurt. I know that I'm not really making a lot of sense and that all my metaphors are getting mixed up and clashing... but I just want you all to know that I'm going to dare to be happy and whole.

What good is a poet's soul if you don't have the vocabulary?

I Find that...

I find that I don’t sleep as well as I once did
There is hurt and sadness all around me
There is crying and fighting
Who can sleep with the yelling and restlessness pushing through your walls?

I find that I don’t eat as well as I once did
There is stress and pain inside me
There is gnawing and fatigue
Who can eat when the anxiety and discontent is pushing against your stomach?

I find that I don’t day dream as much as I once did
There is darkness and unrest in my head
There is despair and damage
Who can dream of happiness when there is so much ugliness pushing in your mind?

I find that I don’t cry as much as I once did
There is hope and honesty in your voice
There is friendship and opportunity
Who can cry when there is still a chance that the battle isn’t lost?

Lyrics (When you can't find the words use someone else's)

I haven't posted in a while and I think it is because I have had such a hard time figuring out just what I'm feeling. I don't really have the words even now, but I do have a song. I have a habit, as my best friend can tell you, of just sending lyrics as a message when I don't really have the words myself. Songs have a way of saying the things that I want to. I am so bad with words... and they are so good. So here is the thing, there are two of them. I have two songs that really seem to fit everything right now. The only problem? Well they are written by boys about girls and I am a girl thinking about a boy. Oh well, I will trust you to take it the way it should be taken. So here are the songs:

Come on Get Higher -Matt Nathanson

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the touch of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I could taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

So wrong, so all wrong,it's so right
So come on, get higher
come on, get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms

AND

I'd Rather Be With You -Joshua Radin

Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long S
o now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do